Photoshoot, a Recipe

Preparation time: Hours - Years
Cooking time: A couple of hours

Ingredients:

  • One pianist
  • One photographer
  • 2 - 3 outfits ...of which you'll end up using only one. You took the others with you because you thought that's what models do. (You have absolutely no idea of what models do.)
  • Shoes
  • Bunch of jewelery - you've seen singers carry a selection wherever they go. After the shoot you'll wonder why.
  • Stuff for the face and the hair - the amount of products depends on your personal level of dedication and enthusiasm. (I envy people who know how to do things with products, and who can be bothered to spend time on their face in the morning. I can't even find the motivation to put butter on my toast every time, but that's just me.)
  • A piano
  • A camera
  • A couple of bright lights - you have to look at them without blinking, the photographer tells you. In 174 pictures you will blink.
  • Wine

Smile, the photographer said.
Smile, the photographer said.

Instructions:

  1. Panic and worry, preferably years in advance to build up a good amount of adrenaline.
  2. Pack your things, paint your face and meet the photographer at an inspiring location.
  3. Forget to shave your armpits and be crazy scared to move your arms.
  4. Articulate your artistic vision of what you'd like the outcome to be, and then listen to the photographer list all the reasons why it won't work.
  5. Insist it worked for Alicia Keyes.
  6. Drink half of the wine for courage. (Also works as instant blush, if you forgot your makeup.)
  7. Listen carefully to the instructions of the photographer, then look like a deranged otter trying to live up to his expectations.
  8. Laugh. It's not that serious.
  9. Go through the first batch of pictures and realize your hair looks all funny. Take a sip of wine, forget to smile, and start over.
  10. Try to look professional this time and end up looking desperate and exhausted, which is kind of the same thing.
  11. Look through the second batch of pictures. Realize that if you're not smiling, everyone will see the psychopath you really are.
  12. Repeat phases 7 - 11 ad nauseam until the photographer tells you to go away, or until the wine has run out.
Later: Going through the pictures you'll notice that towards the end of the shoot you start looking more and more relaxed, but also drunk. In the end you'll settle with a picture in the happy middle of somewhat stiff and somewhat sober.